March 31st 2014: Best Year Ever

It's been almost a year! Although I am not at my ultimate goal weight by any means I am very happy with my progress thus far. Why, you ask? Because 2013 was the first year (since I first lost 10 pounds in 1996 as an 11 year old) that I didn't YO-YO. OMG!!!!

That may not sound like a big deal but it really, really is. I have had success losing 20 to 30 pounds in the past but I have always gained it all back and then some! This did not happen in 2013 and I can't be more proud of myself. I will take an extended plateau over weight gain any day!

The last time I checked a couple of weeks ago my weight was at 209. WHAT! I don't remember the last time it was that low, I'd have to read some old entries to be sure. I feel very happy and confident right now. I have no fear or anxiety over gaining my weight back because I am not dieting. I am focusing on adding more and more healthy choices to my lifestyle. I hope everyone reading this (if anyone is) is giving their bodies the respect they deserve! Eat well and be active, peeps! You will look, and more importantly, feel a lot better. Good luck!

May 1, 2013: Staying Positive

April was a fiasco. I broke up with my girlfriend and then we got back together. My best friend's father passed away. One of my closest friends lives in Boston and had to experience the terror following the Boston Marathon bombings. I felt very down and out of sorts all month. I think part of it was feeling that something was off with my relationship. I had about a two week fast food bender where I ate fast food every day, sometimes twice a day. Wastes SO MUCH MONEY. Seriously, that stuff gets expensive. I wasn't taking care of myself. I stayed up too late, wasted time reading fanfic online, didn't plan my meals ahead of time, and missed a lot of workouts. I still went to the gym at least once a week but I missed a lot of opportunities to burn calories. I got on the scale yesterday and was lucky that it was not higher than last time. I weighed in at 218 which brings my total weight loss to 16 lbs. By next Tuesday I'd really love to be at 216. We will see.

Yesterday when I worked out I did 35 minutes on the Arc Trainer and burned 499 calories. I felt so good afterward. When I have a really hard workout those endorphins really get to me. I felt like my body was singing. It was so good. I then burned 72 calories on the treadmill in 10 minutes of walking on a 3 % incline. I'm very proud of how much I've improved my physical fitness. I am looking forward to becoming even stronger. I am glad it is a new month. The weather is warmer and should stay that way for a while. Things have slowed down at work. I feel like the next few months will be very good for me. I hope anyone reading this is doing well also. Cheers!

Spring Ahead

It's been a long while. Since December I've lost 11 lbs. I've had many setbacks. In January my girlfriend's grandmother died of Cancer. Seeing my girlfriend go through that really impacted me emotionally. I did a lot of binging to try and numb myself. I've kept going though, you know? Like I've kept up going to the gym at least once or twice a week and since January I haven't been binging too badly. Eleven pounds is not a lot of weight but it's nice to know that even if I have setbacks I can still reach my weight loss goals even if it's not as fast as I initially intended.

I'm going on a family vacation to NYC in July and I would like to be 190 lbs by then. Believe it or not I actually look really good at 190 lbs. My cheekbones look great and my frame is large so I don't look fat at that weight. Large yes but not fat. I have a naturally thin waist so I'd be happy at 190. I think I'm ready to focus and really committ to a healthy routine. My girlfriend likes to eat really healthy so that's good. I work at a university that has a gym right on campus that I can use and my membership is free until June. My plan right now is to workout Tue, Wed, Fri, Sat and Sun. Sunday is an optional day. As long as I do the other four days I will give myself a break on Sunday if I need it.

Since December I've increased my fitness level noticeably. I could barely do 10 minutes on the Arc Trainer back in December. Today I did a half hour on the Arc Trainer and burned 423 calories. Then I hopped on the treadmill for 10 minutes and burned 80 calories. If I could burn about 500 calories every workout that would be awesome. I will also start to phase in my strength training again. Free weights have always worked well for me. Maybe I'll do that on the days I don't do Cardio. I have a lot of work ahead of me but I feel confident and mentally stable so thinks should work out :)
  • Current Music
    March Madness

Merry Christmas!

Hopefully today will not end in weight loss frustration. I'm using myfitnesspal to help track calories. Trying not to let my emotions eat away at me. The holidays can be fraught with bad memories and negative feelings for me. But i need to not hang on to bitterness. I need to enjoy the blessings in my life. Like this incredible warm Texas weather :)

Back to Reality

*Deep sigh*

The last time I posted I think I was talking about how great my therapist was. I am no longer seeing her. I was only able to see her while I was a graduate student. I stopped taking the prozac. I don't really know why. I fell into a depression while I was on it and slowly just started to forget to take them and then I thought, I'm depressed, so why keep taking this stuff?

Well, I'm not as low as I was in the spring. But I do feel the difference from when I was on the Prozac. I think I want to get on it again. But a part of me recoils at the thought of being dependent on medication to maintain happiness and stability. Why can't I just be normal?

My weight has to be reigned in. A year ago I was happy with it. It is now significantly higher. I don't want to be supermodel thin ... well, yes, I would love to be supermodel thin. But I recognize that's not a realistic goal. I just want my clothes to fit well.

Right now I am in a relationship with a woman who loves me and says she loves my body. That is nice. I live with her and her sister is our roommate. I am unemployed right now but I have some opportunities coming up. Maybe when I get a job I will feel more steady. I don't know.

I just know that looking at my thighs makes me anxious and being anxiou smakes me want to eat. Fail. Today is going pretty well. No binges so far.
  • Current Mood
    drained drained
  • Tags

Til You Get Enough

 It's been a while ladies! My weight is the same. Fail. But not really. I had a hard week last week. Crying and stuff. But my session with my counselor really helped me come to some eye opening conclusions. I feel AWESOME! I feel like I'm about to turn over a new leaf.

I'm in Baltimore at a convention right now for my profession with four other girls from my program. Five of us in one hotel room. It's crazy but awesome. We're all really different but we're getting along and having a good time. 

This city is cool but there are a lot of homeless people and that makes me sad. I'm so excited to get back home and like, start my life again. Because last week I truly had a break through.

My rampant perfectionism ... I'm over it. I'm done wasting time trying to be perfect! And my God, that is like, at the root of my eating. Geez. I can't wait. I see myself being confident, effective, successful. Normal. Healthy. I can see it happening. I can see myself that way and I've never been able to do that. THANK YOU GOD! I can't wait to start the rest of life.

I love you all I hope you're doing well :D
  • Current Music
    Michael Jackson-Don't Stop Til You Get Enough

Born This Way

So, it's been a while. My weight is hanging steady around 200. I can't lie, I'm really eager to get under 200. I know I'll do it but not as fast as I would like to I bet. 

Treatment is going well. I can tell I am coming upon the end of my time with my therapist. I will prolly be transferred to group therapy soon. School is going okay, work is going okay, family life is better than ever.  There has been some drama here or there but I'm developing some coping skills I've never had before.

Oh, and yeah, I'm out of the closet: I'm a total bisexual. I'm in love with a girl in my grad program.  But she's with someone. She's cool and interested in being friends with me, but it's honestly torture to hear her talk about her partner. Gosh. I'm out to most of my friends but not to my family.  I probably wouldn't come out to my family unless I knew for sure I was going to marry a woman, otherwise, they don't need to know I'm bisexual.

I hope everyone is doing well, take care.
  • Current Music
    Lady Gaga--Born This Way

She's My Man

Well, the semester is over and I got all As! I was really excited about that and relieved because my depression really affected my ability to concentrate. My treatment is going well.  I feel like I'm making good progress with my therapist.  She's really big on ED patients focusing on behavioral change and not just an examination of their feelings.  This has helped me a lot.  I'm discovering the joy of eating balanced meals and cooking fresh food. My weight is down to 204 and I haven't purged since July. That makes me feel good.  All the previous times I've gotten my weight down I've been purging and using diet pills.  It really builds your confidence when you are able to lose weight without resorting to those behaviors.  It's not as if I haven't had any binges because I have. But they haven't turned into week long benders because I focus on eating well most of the time, instead of trying to eat perfect ALL the time. The anti-depressant medication is really helping too I can definitely feel a difference.

I'm trying to be intentiional about reaching out to freinds, old and new. I'm in a good place right now.  It makes me nervous because then I think, something bad is going to happen to ruin it. I don't know. I should probably just relax.  We're on winter break from school and it feels good to be able to sleep in without guilt or consequences. I'm cautiously looking forward to 2011. Happy holidays, LJ friends.

  • Current Music
    She's My Man, Scissor Sisters

Your Children

So, let me say this, October was an absolute fiasco. I'm in treatment again for my depression and eating disorder. On October 1st I was trying to be optimistic.  By October 6th I was suicidal. I stumbled into the counseling office desperate for help, a mess, unable to stop crying. Oh God it was the WORST feeling.  I don't ever want to feel like that again. I'm trying a combination of meds and counseling, with a therapist and a nutritionist. The changes are working for now. My weight is steadily declining. I was 224 in June, and the last I checked a couple weeks ago I was at 207. I haven't been that small in November ... in a long time. It's starting to be noticeable and that makes me happy.  My clothes all fit so much better, except some of my jeans are clearly too big. I hope the changes I'm making can be more permanent.  I want to try for balance.  No more binge/restrict cycles of doom.

It was just so hard for me to transition and ... change is hard for me.  My therapist tells me that the next time I transition it won't be so hard for me. I hope she's right. I just had my 25th birthday.  I was surrounded by my closest friends in the world. It was wonderful. I really needed that in my life. It was like the ultimate anti-depressant to be with people who love me and understand me despite my faults. I had the best time. I can't believe I'm 25 years old. It's crazy. And wonderful. I hope I'm setting myself up for a positive 2011 ...
  • Current Music
    Michael Jackson-Do You Know Where Your Children Are?

Girl in the World

It's been too long, LJ. Let me just say that September was a fiasco. At least I continued to workout pseudo-regularly, at least once a week, usually more. Unfortunately, eating was all over the place, I had quite a few hardcore binges.The adjustment process has been difficult to say the least.

October will be better! I am excited to make the best of this month and make up for the mayhem that was September. I don't really have a social life right now. I mostly depend on my hometown friends to visit me, which I've been blessed to have someone come down every weekend that I've not gone home. This weekend will be the first one where I stay on campus and don't have someone visit. It has to be that way because next week I have a presentation and a paper due. I have to hit the books and get my head right. I had to update my resume tonight becasue there is an internship fair tomorrow. These sorts of things make me nervous but it will be a good way to get information and get to know people in the division. I have some errands to run tomorrow but a good part of my day should be spent reading and taking notes down for my presentation and paper. I'm going to work out first thing in the morning, so I'm looking forward to that at least!

I'm tired now ... I never have time to look up cool words anymore.
Health advice? Love yourself.

  • Current Music
    Rihanna: Like I'm the Only Girl